How Long?

I feel like I'm such a failure. I struggle through each day, knowing how many people I let down on a constant basis. I cry so often that I wonder how many tears I have left in me. I hurt inside. I want to be a better, with more money. In the end, that's all that matters. That's the only way to measure a person's true worth in life. And looking at my bank account, I am truly worthless.

I am so sick of feeling this way. I want to be more. Even if it means that I need to work my life away, more money is the only way that I will ever be worthy of anyone's love. I just don't know what to do. I can't help but wonder how many people would be better off if I were gone. How many lives do I need to ruin.

There are certain things that I have officially given up on. I won't go into them here, because it really doesn't matter. I think that some things that were said were never true. I know that's cryptic, but I just will not say more.

I'm not worthy of better. I don't deserve love. I am a failure. I always have been, and I always will be. The question here is, how long can I keep on pretending that my heart isn't breaking? How long can I pretend that my soul is not dying? How long can I pretend that I'm strong enough to keep going?

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Feeling Lazy

Image
I don't do much around here these days. The past couple of weeks, as infection burned through my foot, and killed the bones, I was limited in my mobility. First because I was hoping that my foot might heal, and second because the pain was getting increasingly worse with every passing day. I was in agony. As you can imagine, infection in your foot, and in the bones of your foot don't exactly tickle. So as a result, I've done very little around the house. And as a result, I feel fairly useless around here. When we first moved into this house, back in July, I was also experiencing limited mobility, thanks to a surgery that I had just had done to remove a bone in my foot. The same foot that is no longer there! But, even though I was limited in what I could do, I still did as much as I could to help out. I was able to help cook, clean a little, and at least be a somewhat productive member of this household. This time around, I am missing my right foot. I have a lot of troub
Read more

One Foot Down

Image
On Wednesday, April 11th of 2018, sometime around 8:30 AM, I went into surgery, and came out with one less foot. I hear that the surgery went great, and as I sit here Monday night, it still seems like the surgery went well. Unfortunately, I still have only one foot now. The events leading up to this happened so quickly, that it was hard for me to really take the time to think much about it. Things were that bad in my foot. The infection was that bad. And luckily for me, the pain was that bad (yes, that was sarcasm). And so when I went in for my podiatrist appointment on Monday the 9th, I was told that I would soon become an amputee. I was filled with emotions. I wanted to cry. But I didn't. Well, I mean, I did eventually. It’s such a weird thought to know that my foot is gone. To look down to where it used to be, and see just empty space. And if I’m being honest, it’s pretty scary. When I look down there, I’m filled with the sense of wondering how the future is going to work.
Read more

Today Is A Good Day

Image
Today is a good day. I guess you would know that if you read the title. I can't say exactly why it's a good day, I'm just feeling good. And why not? I have so many amazing things up ahead, to look forward to. There is a lifetime of happiness ahead of me. I just have to grab it. And you can believe me that I'm going to grab it. This new Rob, the one that was born from the ashes of a failed marriage, is here to stay. The happy one, that isn't hiding tears, and sorrow inside. the one that can look over at his sleeping girlfriend, and know that everything is going to be okay. And the huge blessing of Hope. I felt her kick last night, and a couple other times, but last night she really kicked hard. It bumped my hand. I had this moment of, "Oh my God, that's my little girl in there!" That's a beautiful thought. My baby girl is so busy these days, especially when Julia is laying down. It's such an incredible thing to feel, and experience. If it w
Read more