I Just Don't Know

It's been five months to the day since I lost my right foot. I lost it, not to a car accident, or a work mishap, but because I'm fat, and lazy. Don't try and talk me out of that, it's just the facts. I am fat, and lazy, have been my entire life. As a result, I gave myself diabetes. And because I was in a marriage that I would have rather died, than spend the next fifty years in, I ignored the diabetes, and lost my foot. Now, I can't put all of the blame of losing my foot, on myself. The podiatrist that treated me as if I was nothing more than a quick distraction before heading to a more important patient gets plenty of that blame. But, this is me. I am a right below knee amputee. That is still a tough pill for me to swallow.

I go through most days with my head held high. And while inside there are times I feel like I am dying, my outward appearance gets me through the day. But today, I don't know how well I am doing. Everything makes me cry. My emotions are a mess. I am a mess. I wonder, far too often, how much better everyone would be off if I were to just leave, and never come back. I wonder if anybody really even wants me around. It's hard for me. I don't necessarily believe that these are all new feelings, but thanks to the missing foot, those feelings have been amplified lately. I hurt. I cry. I tell myself that I want to die. Life is hard.

On top of all of that, work is very busy right now. It's very busy, and we are still broke. I make barely more than a Wal-Mart employee. There are no benefits to my job. And in one form or the other, I've had this same job for seventeen years. The owners have changed hands a few times, but it's the same job. Yet, I'm sure I'm unimportant there. They show it in my payrate. I love the people I work with. But in the end, it's only about money. Everything is about money. The amount of money that a man makes is the only way to judge how good of a man he is. And looking at that, I am not a good man. I certainly can't provide for my family.

Yes, my head is a mess. And I don't know what to do about it anymore. I feel like I am slowly breaking down. I'm reaching the end of the rope. I don't know how to keep going on. I just want to feel like I'm important to someone. I want to feel like I'm needed, or even wanted. I want to feel like I'm not worthless. And I want to feel like I'm loved again. That feeling left a while ago. It kills me to think about my future, because even if I'm in the future, will anyone want me in theirs? I just don't know.

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