Staying Positive

This may not be the most upbeat post. And at this current moment, I am doing fine, and feeling upbeat. But I need to talk about the other times. The times when I'm not so upbeat. And even though they are few, they do exist. I feel it's important for me to say what I need to say here. Both the ups, the downs, and the in-betweens. So when you read this, please remember that it is only a small percentage of the time that I have these feelings.

When I'm looking down at the stump where my foot used to be, sometimes it's hard to look towards the future with optimism. It's hard to think about a year down the road, when today all is see is hardships. Not just the hardships of today, but the hardships of tomorrow. Staying positive all of the time is impossible to do.

When I think back to just a few months ago, when my future looked so very bright, and I woke up each day looking forward to where it was going to take me, that is when I get the saddest. When this all gets to be the hardest. After years of pain, and sorrow, I finally had a future that I was looking forward to. Now I wonder, is that future there? Or did it disappear with my foot? Staying positive all of the time is impossible to do.

There are times when I sit and wonder if I have become more of a burden to my loved ones than I am worth. None of them signed on to take care of an overweight, aging crippled man. So I'm left to wonder, is it fair of me to even hope that any of them would want to stay with me through this nightmare of a journey. Is it fair of me to ask anything more of them than they have already offered up? Will I ever be able to repay their kindness? I don't want anyone to feel obligated to do anything for me. I don't want anyone to feel obligated to stay in my life. Staying positive all of the time is impossible to do.

I cry. Not every day. Most days I am fine. But I cry. I can't help it. There are going to be plenty of rainy days as I learn to live my life in a way that I never thought I would have to learn it. When I picture myself in thirty years, unable to do many things for myself. When I think about all of the things that I have trouble doing, even now. Even something that was once as simple as going to bathroom now takes more out of me than I would care to admit. I can't help the tears. They just come. I'm a happy guy most times. I'm positive, upbeat, and I love to make people laugh. But there are times when I'm just to sad inside to hold it in any longer, so I go into the bathroom, and quietly cry. It's hard to hold all of the tears back. Staying positive all of the time is impossible to do.

I still have my left foot. As of now, it is fine. The toes are a little red on the top. Nothing alarming. Lotion seems to be helping. I lotion up the entire left foot. But that foot is carrying a lot of weight on its own. Ever step I take goes down on the left foot. I get so tired from doing so little. It's hard. I can feel it in my back. It gets tired so quickly. I try not to wonder what I would do if I got a sore on the left one. But the thought creeps in. Quite often. What do I do if I lose the other one? I'm a burden enough with just one foot. What happens when I have none? Staying positive all of the time is impossible to do.

Life is a lot harder now. Things that were simple before have become an ordeal. Tasks that were once so easy take a lot out of me. It wears at me sometimes. But if any good were to come of this, I think that it'll make me a stronger person. It's not all bad. Oh sure, it's going to be hard, but it's not all bad. I have a baby girl on the way. I have three great kids. And three kids that will hopefully one day be step-kids. And I have a girlfriend that I love very much. And whatever the future brings, I'll be ready to face it when my best foot forward... er... my only foot forward. Because most of the time staying positive is not all that hard to do.