Time For Pain

I'm going to talk for a bit about some of the biggest pain events of my life. I guess I'm talking about this because I'm going through one of them right now. One that may, or may not let up in the coming months. I haven't got to the phantom pain just yet, but many people who experience a loss of limb get these phantom pains. I'm really hoping that I don't get a ticket to that fun little circus. I guess that only time will tell.

When I was eight I fell out of a tree. Immediately upon hitting the ground, a rock thrown by my brother hit my head. It was one of those "right place, wrong time" kind of things. The fall from the tree didn't cause any pain, or damage. The rock to the head did. A few weeks earlier, my brother Nick ran head first into a brick wall (something that I will forever take the blame for), and had to get stitches. So, as the blood was pouring from the new wound in my head, I ran inside repeating that I did not want to get stitches. I don't remember it hurting at all, but I do remember that I did end up getting stitches in my head. I guess there was an upside though, because the story I wrote about it at the time, was selected for the school's yearly short-story anthology. It was exciting. 

When I was in my early twenties, I used to get painful boils in a place where you do not want to get boils. Now that was painful. Fairly excruciating pain. They would form, cause me agony for a few days, pop, make a huge mess, and go away for a week or two, and then pop up again. That was a pain that's very hard to describe. If you haven't had a boil, or if you haven't had a boil in your "manly area", you just can't imagine. It's pretty damned awful. 

Several times through my adult life, I have had pretty epic back aches. Those are something special, let me tell you! When the pain is so bad, that you can barely drag yourself across the floor to call in sick to work, you know it's a special kind of hell. And one that I don't wish on my worst enemy (my ex-wife's brother knows who he is... and I wish that pain on him, so...). I even got a pretty terrible back ache in my butt several years ago. The agony of sitting down at my desk to work is also very hard describe. 

Late last June, I had a small infection in the right side of my foot. It needed surgery to remove a small bone, and kill the infection. And though the surgery ultimately didn't work, there was really no pain from that. I was in the hospital for about a week as that situation was monitored. When they put the IV in my left arm, they hit a fatty deposit. The pain from that was so immense that I very nearly passed out! During a follow-up visit, they cut open the stitches right there in the doctor's office. The sound was awful, as they just picked up a pair of surgical scissors, and sliced through my flesh. I'll never forget that sound. But, still, no pain. Though, I did almost pass out, once again. There was something in my brain saying that I should be feeling that pain. I guess my brain took over, and wanted me to feel it. My brain can be a bit of an asshole sometimes.

Last week, on this day, I had surgery to remove my right foot. It started with an infection that led to needing my pinky toe removed. However, when they did an MRI (my third in this lifetime... so far), it was discovered that infection was missed during my last surgery. An infection bad enough that the big toe needed to be removed as well. The big toe infection, coupled with the pinky toe infection, and that was it for my foot. It had to be removed. I was in the hospital until Sunday. Up until yesterday evening, there was no pain. I had a pain blocker, with a little ball of medicine in my leg. It kept me comfortable for the most part. It had to come out yesterday morning. Last night, the pain hit. I don't know if it's the worst pain I've ever had, but I'm not a huge fan of it. It's like my leg is being squeezed constantly. So while it isn't excruciating, it is very difficult to get comfortable. My girlfriend, bless her beautiful heart, has done so much to help me, and that has greatly assisted in comforting the pain a little. But I'll be happy when the stump heals, and I can move forward with the physical therapy that will allow me to walk again.

To my knowledge, these are the most painful (or should have been painful!) moments of my life. And as I sit here and write this, I sincerely hope that they are last. Are they as painful as childbirth? Not a chance in hell! Women are so amazing for enduring that pain the way that they do. And in our late 30's, as my girlfriend prepares to endure that all again in August, I find it pretty pathetic to whine about my pain, when she's going to be going through so much worse soon. So, I try to keep the whining to a minimum.

I guess that pain is subjective. Some people can soldier through pain as if nothing is happening. They are able to ignore it. And I guess I can, to a certain degree... although, don't get me started on needles. I hate needles! I don't know if this is the worst of the pain from this surgery, or it's just the beginning. I do know that I'll get through it. I have no choice, right? But, that doesn't mean that I have to enjoy it. Pain sucks. Both physical, and emotional. But all of that emotional pain is a story for another day.

When this leg heals, I will be left with the biggest scar that I hope I'll ever have. And at the end, I'm praying that there is a prosthetic foot that will help me to be able to walk, and finally continue my weight loss journey. My journey towards a healthier dad for all of my kids, and my baby. I can't wait to meet her. And I can't wait to make her proud of me. I'll make everyone proud of me. I'm going to work hard and ignore the pain. Pain is nothing more than my brain's response to something happening to my body. And I can just ignore my brain. Right?

-Rob