The New Me

There was once a man that tried to avoid the gaze of anyone he did not know. Hell, he tried to avoid the gaze of many that he did not know. If this man had his way, he would happily melt into the background, and escape the watchful of eye of just about everyone in the world. In short, he just wanted to be left alone. He wanted to live his life for himself, and focus only on those that he cared about, and those that cared about him. However, life never worked out that way for him. He always seemed to draw the watchful eye of others. He looked different. With a thick head of red hair, and far too much weight, he also seemed to be something of a curiosity. Something that others wanted to look at, and make fun of. He prayed only to be left alone, and to not do anything to draw more stares. Unfortunately something would come along that would help him to attract more stares. Just months before his 39th birthday, and the birth of his fourth child, that man would lose his right foot.

Okay, that man was me. I lost my right foot almost two weeks ago. As I'm sure you know by now, if you have read any of my blog posts previously. But you know something? I don't think that the loss of my leg makes me any less of a person. I still have feelings. I still thoughts, and ideas, and I am still me. I've joked about having "one foot in the grave", but this ginger has many years left in him. Don't count me out just because I had to sever all ties with a foot that didn't deserve me in its life. I got rid of some dead weight, and happier for it.

In the time since the surgery, I have been in public very little. I've kept myself sort of shut away from the stares that I know would be coming. I've never been good with the public. I'm extremely self-conscious. I don't like people looking at me. In the back of my mind, every one of them are thinking the most vile things about me. There has been only one person in my entire life whom I never thought was judging me in the back of their mind: Julia. Everyone else, at one time or another, I've got this vibe of them judging me. Whether or not they are, I have still felt it. Yes, even my kids. It's hard to live like that. But hell, I've dealt with it for 38 years, I can keep going. Right?

Well, yesterday I really got out into the public's eye for the first time. Julia and I had lunch at the Mexican restaurant here in Shenandoah. I got the taco salad, because that's what I also get. She got a delicious looking sea-food dish. The only stares we experienced at the restaurant was a Mexican fellow checking her out, very creepily. Nobody seemed to pay much attention to me. I think I'd rather they stare at me, than at her. He really had no shame from staring at her. He didn't care. He turned his gazing lights on high beam, and stared with all he had. Nobody cared much about me.

The second event of the day was significantly longer than a quick half hour lunch date. Her son, Logan, had a track meet, here in town. It was about three hours long. Other than one Jr. High kid who kinda checked out my stump once, nobody seemed to stare at it. I apologized to one gentlemen for him having to wait for me, and he replied with "Never be sorry to anyone." I thought that was sweet. At the end of the three hours, with my stump fairly sore, but having collected few to no stares, I started my journey back to the parking lot, for the quick journey home. In the parking lot, another very nice man helped me to the car, and folded up my walker for me. There was no major incidence yesterday.

Today was another story. We went to get some Chinese, and when we walked through the door, the woman working there, whom we've seen on a few occasions looked down at my stump. She then looked up at me. Then, back at the stump. The look on her face was sort of somber, and sad. She did this a few times. I felt so awkward, and I knew if it happened too many more times, I would start crying. It was that awkward for me. I hated it. Finally she told me that we had missed lunch, and we left. Julia walking, and looking good. Me, sort of hobbling along. There was no malice, or mean intent in her gaze, but it was awkward nevertheless. I get the feeling that I'm going to get plenty stares like that as I hobble through the rest of my life. But I think I'll be okay. With Julia by my side, I think that I will always be okay. She's my rock. She's the love of my life.

I've done a lot of things in my life that unfortunately have warranted stares. I'm a ginger. I packed on a lot of weight. And frankly, I'm a strange guy. And though I think I've been a basically good person, folks want to look at those that are different. I think I mentioned that in a previous blog post. But I get the feeling that I'm going to repeat it plenty. It is something that is going to follow me for the rest of my life. I need to make my peace with that. But in the end, I'm living for myself. I'm living for my kids. I'm living for her kids. I'm living for my friends, and family. I'm living for Julia. And I am living for Hope. And that is good enough for me.

Well, the constant replay of that Doogie Howser music is starting to wear thin on my nerves. So I think that I will end this post here. But I do want to say this... If you read any of my previous posts, and I said something that upsets you, I truly am sorry. And you know who you are. I didn't mean anything by it. I'm not really a bad person. I know how it seems, but I'm not. I am a good person. A good person who thinks that people deserve to be happy in life. We get this one trip through life, and we should do it with a smile on our face. So you should let the past go, and focus on your own life. And not attack others. Find your own joy. And remember that in the end, you'll find that joy is not in tearing others down, but building up your own happiness. Let things go. Put the past behind you, and smile.

You all have a blessed day,
Rob