Our Future Still Looks Brighter Than Our Past

This was my first weekend home, after my surgery. After I waved goodbye to that a-hole right foot. I had a few bad moments this past weekend. My first weekend home. A few moments when I think I lost sight of the good that the future will bring, and I focused on the bad, or the hardships, that the future will bring. They weren't overly long moments. Maybe a total of twenty minutes the entire weekend, but they were hard. I can't say it was depression. It came and went so quick. But they were hard. It's hard to see the good in the road up ahead, when you're only paying attention to the potholes the litter a small stretch of that road. Those potholes seem like they're going to ruin the entire front end of the car. When in reality, they really are just small potholes. If that makes any sense at all.

The rest of the weekend went pretty well. I was able to sit comfortably (for the most part) for two car rides, to and from Council Bluffs. The trip is about an hour each way. The Friday trip was pretty easy. I felt little to no pain the entire way. The down part of the day was watching my very pregnant girlfriend carrying more than she should have to the car. I should have been helping her. Hell, I should have been doing the majority of it. It's hard to watch her do more than she should be, knowing that I'm just sitting on my lazy butt, watching her. It was hard not to break down there.

I try not to break down. I try not to let anyone see, or hear the tears. But there are tears. Hell, how could there not be? I lived with both feet for so long, this is a huge adjustment. Both physically, and mentally. I haven't got to the phantom pains yet. Though I suspect they will come eventually. I'm not really a "best-case" sort of person. As clearly evidenced by the fact that I am missing my right foot. I am now crippled. That hurts a little. All my life I just wanted to be normal. I guess I'm even further from that now. So far that the pothole covered road in my rear-view mirror is covered with more potholes than I saw on my initial drive down that road. I'll never be normal again. Was I ever normal? Maybe I just wanted to be left alone. That would have been nice.

The drive to Council Bluffs was a little rougher on Saturday. Well, the first half of it. We stopped at a terrible fast-food restaurant for a quick breakfast, and some tea that was probably stronger than any I have had in my life. I ate through the pain. It wasn't a huge breakfast, so it's not as if I was turning to a life of junk food to get me through my pain. It was just something to tide us over. That first half of the trip was very painful. I just could not get my stump of a leg comfortable. No matter how I positioned it. Thankfully, about twenty-five minutes into the drive, the pills kicked in, and the pain vacated the premises.

The first part of our trip was really nice. We stopped to get our "bountiful basket" order. Plenty of fresh fruits, and veggies. We pick that up every two weeks, and I love it. I love seeing what fresh, healthy stuff my body is going to enjoy this week. I even got to see Kathy, the wonderful woman who organizes the entire thing. She is such a sweetheart. She hurried out to the car to see how I was doing. I like feeling that people really do care about me. It was a nice moment. I really appreciate her for that. She is a lovely human being, with a great heart. Just another person I'm glad to know, thanks to Julia.

The second part was more of the fun we had on Friday. Julia moving things from her old house, into the car. Not as much, as her ex, and his father were there. Now that was an awkward vibe that I could have done without. I've never met her ex's father. I didn't even know it was him. But there was this darkness that was cast on the day, with him there. It was worse than the vibe that I used to get from own dad at times. Yeah, I could have done without that. So strange. I get that he doesn't like me, and that's probably why it just felt so weird to me. I can do without ever feeling that again. At least, from him. I'm sure I'll get it plenty from others.

After that pleasant episode, we stopped at my brothers' house. I even got to be the mic assassin in guitar hero, as I tore through a four song set that included hits from REO Speedwagon, Rush, and Meat Loaf. It was fun. It was nice. I had my leg cast off for a bit, and it was so comfortable to have it off. It was like my foot could really breathe for the first time in a while. I did find out that I don't like touching my leg below the knee. Something about it seems so wrong to me. I tried a few times, but just don't like it. It's like that leg let me down, and I still can't deal with it. I hope that that feeling doesn't stick around. I need to learn to look at it as something more than my old leg. It's still a part of me. And one that I'm going to have to make my peace with. It's hard though. It really is. Just seeing it hurts me. But to touch below the knee? I can't handle it right now. It's not right. It's all wrong. Everything about it is all wrong.

Sunday was a lazy day. I think I spent ninety percent of my waking hours, in bed. Which sucked. I had my daughter for the weekend this weekend. She stays with her mother much of the time. I didn't really see her much this weekend. My leg is just too much of an all consuming issue. Like it demands all of my time. I need to start to learn to live with my new normal. I need to learn how to make more important things my priority. And not just this new thing that takes me further from being a normal person. This new thing that has me feeling so useless, and ugly, and not good enough.

Am I good enough? I don't know. Until last year, I always believed that answer to be "no". I always knew that I was someone that would just live, and die. And nobody would care when it was my turn to go. My ex made me feel like that. She made me feel like I would never be good enough. There were people before that made me feel the same way. People from school. Some people in my home life. My own father. I don't mean to whine, but I just never felt good enough. Ever since I moved in with Julia, however, I did feel like I was good enough. I felt like I deserved to be happy. Now, its harder to feel like that. I want that back. I want my foot back. I want my new life back. But I know that's not going to happen. This is my life now. This is what I need to adjust to. This is who I am now. I have one foot. I'm less than I used to be. But, I gotta believe that someday, I can be more. I gotta believe that someday, I will be more.

I'm going to try to move forward in the same upbeat way I have been. Well, for the most part. Throughout most of this, I've been in very high spirits, but sometimes the potholes show up in the road. And I know that I have to learn to live with them. And if I can't drive around them, then I just have to go through them, and learn how to keep the car running when they are at their deepest. I have too much good road to drive on, to worry too much about those bumps. Those bumps, in the end, don't mean a thing. it's the smooth ride that is the most important. It's the good parts of the drive that I will remember as my journey comes to an end. It's the good parts of the drive that I will be remembered for when I'm gone.

This was a good weekend. I spent so much time in bed, cuddled up with Julia, just talking. I love talking to her. I love spending time with her. I love having someone that I know has my back. And though she will drive through many potholes through this journey as well, I know that she is there for me. That at the end of this journey, she will be there with me, holding my hand. Loving me. I like that. I like knowing that there are people out there who do care. They will help get me through this. I will help get me through this. I have to. Hope will be here in August. My sweet, baby girl.

There will be more bad moments, that's for sure. But I think it's how I deal with them that will help me keep moving forward. How I deal with those moments will dictate how the road looks at its best. And I want that ride to be a smooth one. A smooth ride with as few potholes as possible. I want to be remembered as a man who loved, who lived. I want to be remembered as a man with a kind, warm heart. A person that you could say deserved love, and kindness. I want to be remembered as a great dad. AI want to be remembered as a great boyfriend to Julia when I'm gone.

-Rob