One Foot Down

On Wednesday, April 11th of 2018, sometime around 8:30 AM, I went into surgery, and came out with one less foot. I hear that the surgery went great, and as I sit here Monday night, it still seems like the surgery went well. Unfortunately, I still have only one foot now. The events leading up to this happened so quickly, that it was hard for me to really take the time to think much about it. Things were that bad in my foot. The infection was that bad. And luckily for me, the pain was that bad (yes, that was sarcasm). And so when I went in for my podiatrist appointment on Monday the 9th, I was told that I would soon become an amputee. I was filled with emotions. I wanted to cry. But I didn't. Well, I mean, I did eventually.

It’s such a weird thought to know that my foot is gone. To look down to where it used to be, and see just empty space. And if I’m being honest, it’s pretty scary. When I look down there, I’m filled with the sense of wondering how the future is going to work. I’ve always been a fairly independent person. Someone who would prefer to just get things done on his own, so that I get them over with. But with only one foot, I can expect some limited mobility, and that scares me. I don’t want to have to rely on people.

Tomorrow morning, I have to remove the pain blocker that was put in my leg. And that, I think is where the real fun begins. I've read many posts on Facebook, by amputees who have said that the pain remains with them for years. I guess I have that to look forward to, on top of all of the other downsides to this. I don't want the pain to change who I am. I don't want to become a depressed, and sad person again. I was depressed, and sad for long enough this life. I want to be happy. I want to keep smiling. I want to feel like the man that I always knew I was meant to be. So, I guess when the pain kicks in, we'll see how it goes. I was prescribed some opiate laced medicine, but I'd prefer to avoid that medicine. I don't like the way that it makes me feel. Yes, I've had it before. It's not for me.

Part of me always knew that the day would come when I would lose my right foot. It was inevitable. That foot has been giving me trouble since late 2012. And ignoring my diabetes for over a decade certainly didn't help promote a healthy foot. I ignored the diabetes because I was hoping that it would eventually kill me. I couldn't be with my then wife any longer. It seemed like the easiest way out, without overtly ending my own life. And now, I'm paying for it. At a time in my life when I'm divorced from her, and I am finally happy, that foot-bill has come due.

Another interesting thing has reared its ugly head here: showering. How do I wash away the stink of the day? I know there are shower chairs, and my amazing girlfriend did pick me one up today, but showers used to be so easy. Get undressed. Get in the shower. Turn on the water. Wash away the stink. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy. Now, there are going to be so many extra steps (ha, a foot pun). So, that's a minor concern there.

I've never been a normal person. But I like to think that I have been a good person, for the most part. Everybody makes mistakes. Everybody does things that they are not proud of. I have had people judge me, based on my appearance, for my entire life. I'm thinking that this loss of limb isn't going to help that much. I'm going to get stared at. I'm going to be laughed at. It can't be helped. It's human nature to laugh at those that are different than we are. I will try to ignore it, but I know that it's going to hurt me. I won't be able to help it. The thing that I need to try to remember is that their taunts don't mean anything. They have their own insecurities. I just hate knowing that the mean hearted comments are going to get worse. That the judging is going to grow at a huge rate. That's another thing that has got me worried, as I start this new phase of my life. I just want to be left alone by the people who don't care about me. I know I won't be, but it is a very nice thought, I guess.

I'll be okay. I'll get through this. I have an amazing support system. Friends, family. I have so much to look forward to. Especially the birth of my third daughter, Hope, this August. So I'll keep fighting. I'll put one foot in front of the... er... I'll keep looking forward to the next day. I'll remain who I am. I have no choice. But now, on the eve of the day of the real pain kicking in, I'm scared. I guess it's all in how I handle the pain.