Feeling Lazy

I don't do much around here these days. The past couple of weeks, as infection burned through my foot, and killed the bones, I was limited in my mobility. First because I was hoping that my foot might heal, and second because the pain was getting increasingly worse with every passing day. I was in agony. As you can imagine, infection in your foot, and in the bones of your foot don't exactly tickle. So as a result, I've done very little around the house. And as a result, I feel fairly useless around here.

When we first moved into this house, back in July, I was also experiencing limited mobility, thanks to a surgery that I had just had done to remove a bone in my foot. The same foot that is no longer there! But, even though I was limited in what I could do, I still did as much as I could to help out. I was able to help cook, clean a little, and at least be a somewhat productive member of this household. This time around, I am missing my right foot. I have a lot of trouble getting around the house. I have a walker, which is much easier than the crutches, but it is very difficult getting around. Something that I really hope gets easier in the weeks ahead.

This is the first place that I have lived with my girlfriend. The woman who is having my fourth baby, and third daughter. The woman that I sincerely look forward to calling my wife. She was getting out of a marriage with someone that did very little to help around the house. I did not want to be that man. I want to be the man that helps her around the house. I want her to feel like she has help in this madhouse. I want her to feel like she is part of a team, and not just a maid. I want her to feel that I love her so much, that I am of course happy to help around the house. Currently, I can't do that. And I hate it.

Since the pain blocker is still in the leg (at least until the morning), my inability to help her around the house is one of the hardest parts of this whole thing. I want to carry my weight around here. But, how can I help around the house, when I'm having trouble even getting around the house? It's agonizing. To see her picking up after her kids, and my kids, and me... it hurts me. I need to find a way to help out more. I need to find a way to do more. Even the smallest chores would make me feel a hell of a lot better.

I guess this came out a bit more whiny than I had thought it would be. But if I can't speak my mind here, where can I? This Blog is all about my journey through this very difficult phase of my life. These next few months are sure to be very hard on me, and on my family. However, Hope is due in August. And I will be standing in the deliver room with Julia. I will be there to share in one of the greatest moments of our lives.

In the weeks ahead, I can't say what mood, or tone this Blog will take on. But in order for this thing to be therapeutic, I need to be able to speak what's on my mind. To get all of the thoughts that are trapped inside out into the world. But bare with me, because it's all going to be okay in the end. I will get through this, a better man for the journey. A better man for Julia. And a better dad for all of my kids.

That's all I've got for tonight. Thank you for reading.