Being Me


I've been a bit emotional today. Well, since last night. I don't know why, I just started crying. I can't even say it has anything to do with the loss of my right foot. I just felt the tears coming, and they wouldn't stop. I've always been a bit of a crier. I cry at TV shows. I cry because of books. Movies make me cry. Hell, if a song is emotional, it sets me crying as well. I know, men aren't supposed to cry. But that has always bothered me. Why can't men cry? We have feelings as well. At least, I sure as hell do.

As far as the foot, I'm still in pretty high spirits. I'm waiting for the hard part to come. The physical therapy. I can't imagine that that is going to be easy. It's going to be hard work. But it's going to be worth it. I'm going to work as hard as I can. I'm going to focus on my future, turn the blinders on my past, and work for the life that I want to give Hope, and the rest of my family.

I gotta believe that everything is going to go great with my recovery. I'm in a couple amputee facebook groups, and some of the things that I've read are kind of scary. I've read about problems with sores getting so bad, that people end up going under the knife again, and losing more of their leg. Throughout everything with my foot, I've always been bad to worse case scenario. This time around, I'm praying that I'm not worse case. I need to get through this unscathed. August is approaching very quickly. I want to be in the delivery room when Hope enters this world. That's what I'm working for. That's what I'm working towards.

On the subject of the book that I'm going to write about this journey, I think I've about got the beginning of the book figured out. I've always found that just starting a book is the hardest part. Looking at that empty page, wondering where to go from there. It's hard. It's the beginning of a journey, in and of itself. But I need to write this book. I'm hoping there's an audience for it. But even if there isn't, I still need to write it. Writing is very therapeutic for me. It helps me through any fog that is clouding my mind.

Life is funny. I was so miserable before I left my ex. I was just counting down the days until I would pass on, and get out of my miserable life. I had both feet, but I didn't want my life. Now, my life is so much better. I'm thinking it is leagues better. Even without my right foot, I am happier than I have been in so very long. And why wouldn't I be? My girlfriend is amazing. Our kids are fantastic. And when Hope comes to join our family, I'm going to be the happiest man in the world. So if I have to work hard to learn how to walk again, then I will. That's my motivation. And if I can remain happy while I do it, then that's fantastic.

I'm still considering getting therapy. I don't feel like I need it right now. But I don't know how I'm going to feel further on down the road. My girlfriend and I both think that it couldn't hurt. My problem with it is that I have social anxiety. It's going to be hard to talk to someone that I don't really know. But I need to continue being me. Through all of this, I need to come out the other side still Rob. And if a little therapy helps in any way, then it's something that I need to do.

Well, I guess I'll stop rambling on for now. Thank you all for reading the words that I've written. And I hope you all have a beautiful, blessed day.

Love you all,
Rob

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Feeling Lazy

Image
I don't do much around here these days. The past couple of weeks, as infection burned through my foot, and killed the bones, I was limited in my mobility. First because I was hoping that my foot might heal, and second because the pain was getting increasingly worse with every passing day. I was in agony. As you can imagine, infection in your foot, and in the bones of your foot don't exactly tickle. So as a result, I've done very little around the house. And as a result, I feel fairly useless around here. When we first moved into this house, back in July, I was also experiencing limited mobility, thanks to a surgery that I had just had done to remove a bone in my foot. The same foot that is no longer there! But, even though I was limited in what I could do, I still did as much as I could to help out. I was able to help cook, clean a little, and at least be a somewhat productive member of this household. This time around, I am missing my right foot. I have a lot of troub
Read more

One Foot Down

Image
On Wednesday, April 11th of 2018, sometime around 8:30 AM, I went into surgery, and came out with one less foot. I hear that the surgery went great, and as I sit here Monday night, it still seems like the surgery went well. Unfortunately, I still have only one foot now. The events leading up to this happened so quickly, that it was hard for me to really take the time to think much about it. Things were that bad in my foot. The infection was that bad. And luckily for me, the pain was that bad (yes, that was sarcasm). And so when I went in for my podiatrist appointment on Monday the 9th, I was told that I would soon become an amputee. I was filled with emotions. I wanted to cry. But I didn't. Well, I mean, I did eventually. It’s such a weird thought to know that my foot is gone. To look down to where it used to be, and see just empty space. And if I’m being honest, it’s pretty scary. When I look down there, I’m filled with the sense of wondering how the future is going to work.
Read more

Today Is A Good Day

Image
Today is a good day. I guess you would know that if you read the title. I can't say exactly why it's a good day, I'm just feeling good. And why not? I have so many amazing things up ahead, to look forward to. There is a lifetime of happiness ahead of me. I just have to grab it. And you can believe me that I'm going to grab it. This new Rob, the one that was born from the ashes of a failed marriage, is here to stay. The happy one, that isn't hiding tears, and sorrow inside. the one that can look over at his sleeping girlfriend, and know that everything is going to be okay. And the huge blessing of Hope. I felt her kick last night, and a couple other times, but last night she really kicked hard. It bumped my hand. I had this moment of, "Oh my God, that's my little girl in there!" That's a beautiful thought. My baby girl is so busy these days, especially when Julia is laying down. It's such an incredible thing to feel, and experience. If it w
Read more