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I Just Don't Know

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It's been five months to the day since I lost my right foot. I lost it, not to a car accident, or a work mishap, but because I'm fat, and lazy. Don't try and talk me out of that, it's just the facts. I am fat, and lazy, have been my entire life. As a result, I gave myself diabetes. And because I was in a marriage that I would have rather died, than spend the next fifty years in, I ignored the diabetes, and lost my foot. Now, I can't put all of the blame of losing my foot, on myself. The podiatrist that treated me as if I was nothing more than a quick distraction before heading to a more important patient gets plenty of that blame. But, this is me. I am a right below knee amputee. That is still a tough pill for me to swallow. I go through most days with my head held high. And while inside there are times I feel like I am dying, my outward appearance gets me through the day. But today, I don't know how well I am doing. Everything makes me cry. My emotions are
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How Long?

I feel like I'm such a failure. I struggle through each day, knowing how many people I let down on a constant basis. I cry so often that I wonder how many tears I have left in me. I hurt inside. I want to be a better, with more money. In the end, that's all that matters. That's the only way to measure a person's true worth in life. And looking at my bank account, I am truly worthless. I am so sick of feeling this way. I want to be more. Even if it means that I need to work my life away, more money is the only way that I will ever be worthy of anyone's love. I just don't know what to do. I can't help but wonder how many people would be better off if I were gone. How many lives do I need to ruin. There are certain things that I have officially given up on. I won't go into them here, because it really doesn't matter. I think that some things that were said were never true. I know that's cryptic, but I just will not say more. I'm not worthy of
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I Love You

love you when you smile I love you when you're sad I love you through your trials I even love you when you're mad I love you when you're here I love you when you're away I love you through your fears I love you through dark days I love the light in your eyes I love the shine in your heart I love you in gray skies I've loved you from the start I love all that's to come I love what we've been through But when all is said and done Mostly, I love you.
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Long In the Foot

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Back in April, I suddenly found myself to be about a foot shorter on the right side. Strangely enough, it came after a surgeon expertly amputated my right foot. I had spent my entire life growing that foot, and in a brief morning surgery, it was gone. Suddenly I found myself without a leg to stand on. Still, I put my only foot forward, placed one foot in front of the... same foot, and started trying to figure out how to live my new normal. Well, as new normal as a one footed, green eyed, left handed, ginger can live. I may be a foot below all of the rest, but at least I'm sure footed, when I pussyfoot around. Living without a foot that you had spent your entire life getting to know isn't all bad jokes, and good times. There are difficulties that come with it, as you might imagine. And with much difficulty comes great... increased difficulty. Gone are the days where I could just saunter up to the corner store for a Klondike Bar, and a licorice whip. No longer can I enter e
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In the Car

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Hello once again, my friends. It has been a few minutes since we last spoke, so I thought that I would take the time to ramble on for a few moments. I know that you all need this, and I sure as hell do. I've missed our warm transfers, and have missed my charm, and wit. And for those reasons, I talk to you all now. This month is still August, at least for a little bit longer. The hottest month of the year. Surprisingly, however, it has been a pretty mild August. The temperature hasn't really been on our minds much. What has been is our sweet, baby girl, Hope. This first month of her life has been a bit rough. She started off worrying us with jaundice. Once the worry of that was over, she decided to worry us with a weight problem. She struggled for weeks to get back up to her birth weight. So we spent much of the month at the doctor's office. Thankfully, she has finally reached her birth weight, and then some. One less worry. Which is nice, because we could really use a litt
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A Moment of Hope

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When I started gathering my thoughts for a new blog post it was for a much different post. The one I was thinking about has to do with my journey to handicapped parking. I will get to that blog next, but something much more important happened before I had a chance to talk about all of that. It would seem that Hope was sick of waiting to be born, and so on the afternoon of July 27th, 2018, my fourth child, and third daughter, Hope Kelly was born. During the months of pregnancy, so many millions of thoughts went through my head. There was worry, and there was excitement. I went through times of uncertainty; wondering if we were doing the right thing. Wondering if I was going to be able to be a good father to her, with just the one foot. But all of that was cast aside the moment I saw her for the first time. In one minute I was a father of three, and at 6:36 PM, I became the father of four. It was one of the greatest moments of my life. Even if she was covered in such a mess when she
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What's This Life All About?

Days in dreams Like nightmares instead Breaking seams Am I better off dead? Wishing for a way out What's this life all about? Nights spent in tears Inside my head Living my fears Alone in my bed Voices inside they shout What's this life all about Twisting and turning My eyes always burning Screaming and crying My soul's always dying I can't fake it anymore My spirit is broken to the core Years spent alone Locked away with you My heart's turned to stone All the pain I've been through Waiting for my way out what's this life all about
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